College Smart Parents
People who go to college are incredible
We go to classes, we read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of various materials. We sleep very little, someone is always sick, someone is always complaining. We become attached to close friends. We smother each other. We often think of the past and want to go back. We know we cannot. We all have separate lives, families, backgrounds and pasts. We live totally different from how we used to live. We are frustrated and sometimes want to give up, but we never stop trying. We disregard our health. We drink ourselves into oblivion. We eat awful food. WE are forced to think about the future. We are scared and confused. We reach out for things yet we don't find them. We try to sort out our minds, which are filled with studies, worries, problems, memories, emotions, and powerful feelings. We wander other halls looking for happiness. We hurt…. a lot. We keep going though, because, above all else, we never stop learning growing, changing, and most important, dreaming. Dreams keep us going and they always will. All we can do is thank God that we have something to hang onto…. Life dreams, our families and each other. . Unknown Student on the Internet.
College is more than than the ACT, SAT or U.S. News and World Report Top Schools Listing. 35% of college freshman do not return to the school they chose at the end of freshman year and almost all are in academic good standing. How come? Because, college is more than the numbers. It is about identifying who a young adult really is, finding a good school "fit", providing the life skills students need to master their environment and then helping parents become wise consumers of higher education. And it is important that parents transform from "parent to coach" to keep relationships open, supportive, and loving. And, it starts in high school. College is too late.
I am a Parent/Young Adult Transitions Coach who helps young people 16 to 30 and parents to successfully navigate the sometimes stormy seas of starter adulthood. I provide a safe, neutral place for young people to work through their fears, confusion and excitement. I work with parents of college bound high school students to take a pro-active role in learning college, become a wise consumer of higher ed, understand what makes up this transition and then how to move from "parent to coach" in order to honor their child's emerging independence while creating a rich adult relationship based on respect, encouragement and love.
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"The college process is as rewarding as it is maddening"
U of Montana
"College is hard….the biggest secret: You don't have to go to college right out of high school. Imagine letting them get the thrill of independence out of their system without you paying $30,000 for it. Only then will they appreciate what college is supposed to be" Creighton
When you cross the border into Canada immigration may ask, "Where are you from? Where are you going? Business or Pleasure." In the broadest context these questions can determine what school a student chooses and the experience they will have there." The Border Crossing Program
"Parents need to be clear with themselves and their child where their line of involvement ends." CU
Parent to Coach
Motivate, Inspire and Connect with Your Teenager
"While issues have not changed, our teenagers have."
"The toughest thing about being a parent is learning when not to be one"
"Learning some basic coaching skills can help parents reconnect with
their teen; enhance their relationship with their adolescent; help their child build
a life of confidence, courage and compassion"
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If you RESPECT me, I will hear you
If you LISTEN to me, I will feel understood
If you UNDERSTAND me, I will feel appreciated
If you APPRECIATE ME, I will know your support
If you SUPPORT me as I try new things, I will become responsible
When I am RESPONSIBLE, I will grow to be independent
In my INDEPENDENCE, I will respect you and love you all of my life
Thank you your teenager
Diana Haskins "Parent as Coach Academy"
Diana Haskins, author of "Parent as Coach" sees parenting in three distinct phases:
- Ages 0 - 6 "Parent as Teacher" during the learning/nurturing phase
- Ages 7 - 12 "Parent as Administrator", managing the child's schedule
- Ages 13 - 20 "Parent as Coach", accepting nature's changes and becoming a coach
Different and sometimes difficult behaviors in teens are normal and require different skills from those needed in the pre-teen years. At the end of Stage Two we, as parents, have the opportunity to make a choice. We can continue to nag, interrogate, be frustrated by our child's silence and moods, or we can allow our role to change to that of mentor, guide and support by learning some simple coaching skills that will transform your relationship. As stated in the poem above:
Teens want adults to:
- RESPECT them
- Really LISTEN to them
- UNDERSTAND their point of view
- APPRECIATE their specialness
- SUPPORT them with love and kindness
- Promote new levels of RESPONSIBILITY
- And nurture their unfolding INDEPENDENCE
By actively addressing each of these areas, the parent-teen relationship becomes a
two-way street rather than a dead end.
Co-mingling the basic tenants of Diana's work with other coaching skills I would like to help parents examine their own values and actions so they can be ready when their child experiments with theirs. The coaching skills surrounding The 7 Things Teens Want will help parents become grounded in who they are as a parent and explore who they would like to be in their growing child's life. It will also prevent parent burnout by keeping exchanges heartfelt, respectful and loving.
Moving from parent to coach is a co-active role. If we wish our children to have standards, keep commitments, live a values-based life then we must lead by example. There is no one size fits all parenting model but there are some core qualities and skills that we can develop for ourselves and model for our teen. The most important aspect of being a coach is "knowing yourself." It is about "Walking the Talk." When we Set and Reflect Standards, Remain Flexible, Have Patience and Be Consistent, we lay the groundwork for establishing a rich, life-long relationship with our growing child.
Goals of Moving from Parent/Coach to Coach/Parent
- Help parents "know themselves" and lead by example
- Provide Parents with coaching tools for successful parenting
- Enhance teen/parent relationships
- Open lines of communication
- Provide a common language for working through issues
- Help parents inspire and motivate their teen
- Help parents see the good of their whole child
- Learn to champion your child's gifts, dreams and goals
- Appreciate and support what makes your child unique
